Barreness and Waiting

Have you ever desired something so much but had absolutely no control over your attaining of it? What do you do with dreams that are crushed or not fulfilled? This is a portion of my testimony about a few years in my life and my choice to believe God's best for me in the midst of waiting, the pain of a miscarriage, more waiting and the unknowness of my future.

Growing up I was told God is so good

And I believed it as I should

or so I thought

Really, I bought Satan's lie

Let me explain why

There came a time in my life when I felt alone- almost like no one could relate to my moan

You see, I struggled with infertility and was upset with God for my lack of ability to conceive

I often wished the desire would just leave but

I wanted to achieve a child just like Sarah, Rebecca and Hannah

I desperately wished that God would provide a child like manna from heaven

Seven out of seven days I would think of ways I could love a child

wild, I never imagined this in my life

that wanting a child would bring such strife

I thought God, I am a good wife!

Haven’t I given you my life?

Why can't I be a mother 
And yet another month would go by and I would be stuck again with the question

why?

Why would God give me such a desire and not fulfill it

How long Oh, Lord

How long will it be

How long will you forget me

Lord I don’t want to make the mistake and forsake what I know to be true

That YOU are good and would only ordain what is best for me

Oh, God but this is such a test for me

It is hard to see those around me have what I want

It almost feels like it’s a flaunt

I relate so much to Hannah who was jealous of Peninnah

I’ma woman who seeks to love you with all my heart

But my emotions were tearing me apart

Often I would come before you and implore you to help me understand

Then I heard you answer... 
And it went to my core like cancer

You want me to be content not hell bent on what I want

That I would place my hope in you and believe that your Word is true when it says

You are good

I just wished I understood…but that is just the point

Faith is believing without seeing and I had to come to a place where I could embrace whatever it was you had for me- and stop feeling so bad for me

Because if in your plan you decide not to give me a child I will refuse to be beguiled to think that you don’t want what is best for me

I will rest in the fact that you are sovereign and I am not
 

Help me to be so caught in my relationship with you that every other desire could be burned in a fire for all I care-

How dare I question you?

Have you ever fought with the Lord regarding unanswered prayer

Layer after layer of hardness builds as you know God is choosing not to wield his power to come through

true- you know He has a plan but you just can't stand the wait

Really you ask what is my fate

What do you hope in when you can’t see God’s plan...

Know that you too have a promised land
God's ways for you are GRAND

And you can confidently say- “All other ground is sinking sand”

Habakkuk 3:17-19

¹⁷ Though the fig tree does not bud
       and there are no grapes on the vines,
       though the olive crop fails
       and the fields produce no food,
       though there are no sheep in the pen
       and no cattle in the stalls,
 ¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
       I will be joyful in God my Savior.
 ¹⁹ The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
       he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
       he enables me to go on the heights.